Terry Pratchett

Theater of Cruelty

Театр жестокости

It was a fine summer morning (это было замечательное летнее утро), the kind to make a man happy to be alive (из тех, которые заставляют человека радоваться жизни). And probably the man would have been happier to be alive (и, вероятно, человек был бы еще счастливее, был бы он жив). He was, in fact, dead (он был, фактически, мертв). It would be hard to be deader without special training (трудно быть мертвее, без специальной подготовки).

“Well, now,” said Sergeant Colon (Ankh-Morpork City Guard, Night Watch), consulting his notebook (сверяясь с блокнотом), “so far we have cause of death as (на сегодняшний момент мы имеем следующие причины смерти) a) being beaten with at least one blunt instrument (забит до смерти по крайней мере одним тупым предметом) b) being strangled with a string of sausages (задушен связкой сосисок; string – цепочка, веревка) and c) being savaged by at least two animals with big sharp teeth (покусан по крайней мере двумя животными с большими острыми зубами). What do we do now (что нам делать теперь), Nobby?”

“Arrest the suspect (арестовать подозреваемого), Sarge,” said Corporal Nobbs, saluting smartly (браво отдав честь; smartly – энергично, сильно, резко).

“Suspect, Nobby?”

“Him,” said Nobby, prodding the corpse with his boot (пиная труп своим ботинком). “I call it highly suspicious (я считаю это очень подозрительным), being dead like that (быть мертвым вот так). He’s been drinking, too (он также пил). We could do him for being dead and disorderly (мы могли бы повязать его за смерть и нарушение порядка).”

Colon scratched his head (почесал затылок). Arresting the corpse offered, of course, certain advantages (арест трупа предлагал, конечно, определенные преимущества). But…

“I reckon (я полагаю),” he said slowly (он сказал медленно), “that Captain Vimes’ll want this one sorted out (что капитан Ваймс захочет разрешить это дело) . You’d better bring it back to the Watch House (тебе лучше отнести тело назад в Дом Стражи), Nobby.”

“And then can we eat the sausages (а потом мы можем съесть сосиски), sarge?” said Corporal Nobbs.

It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man would have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. It would be hard to be deader without special training.

“Well, now,” said Sergeant Colon (Ankh-Morpork City Guard, Night Watch), consulting his notebook, “so far we have cause of death as a) being beaten with at least one blunt instrument b) being strangled with a string of sausages and c) being savaged by at least two animals with big sharp teeth. What do we do now, Nobby?”

“Arrest the suspect, Sarge,” said Corporal Nobbs, saluting smartly.

“Suspect, Nobby?”

“Him,” said Nobby, prodding the corpse with his boot. “I call it highly suspicious, being dead like that. He’s been drinking, too. We could do him for being dead and disorderly.”

Colonscratched his head. Arresting the corpse offered, of course, certain advantages. But…

“I reckon,” he said slowly, “that Captain Vimes’ll want this one sorted out. You’d better bring it back to the Watch House, Nobby.”

“And then can we eat the sausages, sarge?” said Corporal Nobbs.

It wasn’t easy, being the senior policeman in Ankh-Morpork (это было нелегко, быть старшим полицейским в Анк-Морпорке), greatest of cities of the Discworld (величайшем из городов Плоского Мира) [*].

There were probably worlds (вероятно, где-то есть миры), captain Vimes mused in his gloomier moments (капитан Ваймс размышлял в самые мрачные моменты), where there weren’t wizards (где нет волшебников) (who made locked room mysteries commonplace (которые делали загадки запертой комнаты обыденностью)) or zombies (или зомбей) (murder cases were really strange when the victim could be the chief witness (дела об убийствах были действительно странными, когда жертва могла быть главным свидетелем)) and where dogs could be relied on to do nothing in the night time (и где собаки ничего не делают в ночное время) and not go around chatting to people (и не шастаются вокруг, разговаривая с людьми). Captain Vimes believed in logic (верил в логику), in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice (в той же степени, как человек в пустыне верит в лед)—i.e., it was something he really needed (то есть, это было что-то, в чем он сильно нуждался), but this just wasn’t the world for it (но это просто не был мир для этого =  да  только мир вокруг оказался  неподходящим  для такой штуковины). Just once, he thought, it’d be nice to solve something (хотя бы один разок, подумал он, было бы хорошо раскрыть что-нибудь).

He looked at the blue-faced body on the slab (он посмотрел на синелицее тело на плите), and felt a tiny flicker of excitement (и почувствовал крошечную искорку возбуждения). There were clues (там были улики). He’d never seen proper clues before (он никогда не видел настоящих улик до этого; proper – правильный, должный).

“Couldn’t have been a robber (вряд ли это было ограбление), Captain,” said Sergeant Colon. “The reason being, his pockets were full of money (причина в том, что его карманы были битком набиты деньгам). Eleven dollars (одиннадцать долларов).”

“I wouldn’t call that full (я бы не сказал, что это битком),” said Captain Vimes.

“It was all in pennies and ha’pennies (все в центовиках и полуцентовиках), sir. I’m amazed his trousers stood the strain (я удивлен, что его брюки выдержали этот вес: «выстояли напряжение»). And I have cunningly detected the fact that he was a showman (и я ловко определил тот факт, что он был шоумэном), sir. He had some cards in his pocket (у него были карточки в кармене), sir. ‘Chas Slumber, Children’s Entertainer’ (развлекатель детей = детский затейник).”

“I suppose no one saw anything (я полагаю, что никто ничего не видел)?” said Vimes.

“Well, sir,” said Sergeant Colon helpfully (услужливо), “I told young Constable Carrot to find some witnesses (я сказал констеблю Карроту найти свидетелей).”

“You asked Corporal Carrot to investigate a murder (расследовать убийство)? All by himself (в одиночку)?” said Vimes.

The sergeant scratched his head.

“And he said to me, did I know anyone very old and seriously ill (знаю ли я кого-нибудь, кто очень стар и серьезно болен)?”

It wasn’t easy, being the senior policeman in Ankh-Morpork, greatest of cities of the Discworld [*].

There were probably worlds, captain Vimes mused in his gloomier moments, where there weren’t wizards (who made locked room mysteries commonplace) or zombies (murder cases were really strange when the victim could be the chief witness) and where dogs could be relied on to do nothing in the night time and not go around chatting to people. Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice—i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn’t the world for it. Just once, he thought, it’d be nice to solve something.

He looked at the blue-faced body on the slab, and felt a tiny flicker of excitement. There were clues. He’d never seen proper clues before.

“Couldn’t have been a robber, Captain,” said Sergeant Colon. “The reason being, his pockets were full of money. Eleven dollars.”

“I wouldn’t call that full,” said Captain Vimes.

“It was all in pennies and ha’pennies, sir. I’m amazed his trousers stood the strain. And I have cunningly detected the fact that he was a showman, sir. He had some cards in his pocket, sir. ‘Chas Slumber, Children’s Entertainer’.”

“I suppose no one saw anything?” said Vimes.

“Well, sir,” said Sergeant Colon helpfully, “I told young Constable Carrot to find some witnesses.”

“You asked Corporal Carrot to investigate a murder? All by himself?” said Vimes.

The sergeant scratched his head.

“And he said to me, did I know anyone very old and seriously ill?”

And on the magical Discworld, there is always one guaranteed witness to any homicide (и на магическом Плоском Мире всегда есть гарантированно один свидетель любого убийства; homicide – убийство). It’s his job (это его работа).

Constable Carrot, the Watch’s youngest member (самый молодой член), often struck people as simple (часто производил на людей впечатление простака). And he was (и он был = таким он и был). He was incredibly simple (он был невероятно прост), but in the same way that a sword is simple (но в той же мере, как прост меч), or an ambush is simple (или как проста засада). He was also possibly the most linear thinker (он был, возможно, самым прямолинейным мыслителем) in the history of the universe (в истории вселенной).

He’d been waiting by the bedside of an old man (он ждал у постели старика), who’d quite enjoyed the company (который был рад компании). And now it was time to take out his notebook (и сейчас было самое время достать свою записную книжку).

“Now I know you saw something (итак, я знаю, что вы видели что-то), sir,” he said. “You were there (вы были там).”

WELL, YES, said Death. I HAVE TO BE (МНЕ ПРИХОДИТСЯ БЫТЬ), YOU KNOW. BUT THIS IS VERY IRREGULAR (НО ЭТО ОЧЕНЬ НЕОБЫЧНО).

“You see (понимаете ли), sir,” said Corporal Carrot, “as I understand the law (как я понимаю закон), you are an Accessory After The Fact (соучастник после факта). Or possibly Before The Fact.”

YOUNG MAN, I AM THE FACT (МОЛОДОЙ ЧЕЛОВЕК, Я И ЕСТЬ ФАКТ).

“And I am an officer of the Law (а я — офицер Закона),” said Corporal Carrot. “There’s got to be a law (закон должен быть), you know.”

YOU WANT ME TO (ВЫ ХОТИТЕ, ЧТОБЫ Я)… ER… GRASS SOMEONE UP (ЗАЛОЖИЛ КОГО-НИБУДЬ; grass – информатор)? DROP A DIME ON SOMEONE (НАКАПАЛ НА КОГО-ТО)? SING LIKE A PIGEON (СПЕЛ, КАК ГОЛУБЬ = НАСТУЧАЛ, КАК ДЯТЕЛ)? NO. NO-ONE KILLED MR. SLUMBER (НИКТО НЕ УБИВАЛ МИСТЕРА СЛАМБЕРА). I CAN’T HELP YOU THERE (НЕ МОГУ ВАМ ПОМОЧЬ).

“Oh, I don’t know, sir,” said Carrot, “I think you have (я думаю, вы помогли).”

DAMN (ПРОКЛЯТЬЕ).

Death watched Carrot leave (смерть смотрел, как Моркоу уходит), ducking his head as he went down the narrow stairs of the hovel (наклонив голову, спускаясь по узкой лестнице лачуги).

NOW THEN, WHERE WAS I (О ЧЕМ ЭТО Я)…

“Excuse me,” said the wizened old man in the bed (сказал иссохший старик в постеле). “I happen to be 107 (мне уже 107 лет), you know. I haven’t got all day (у меня нет всего дня = не думаю, что протяну еще один день).”

AH, YES, CORRECT (АХ, ДА, ВЕРНО).

Death sharpened his scythe (заточил свою косу). It was the first time he’d ever helped the police with their enquiries (это было в первый раз, когда он помог полиции с ее делами; enquiry – дело, проблема, вопрос). Still, everyone had a job to do (хотя, у всех есть работа, которую нужно делать).

And on the magical Discworld, there is always one guaranteed witness to any homicide. It’s his job.

Constable Carrot, the Watch’s youngest member, often struck people as simple. And he was. He was incredibly simple, but in the same way that a sword is simple, or an ambush is simple. He was also possibly the most linear thinker in the history of the universe.

He’d been waiting by the bedside of an old man, who’d quite enjoyed the company. And now it was time to take out his notebook.

“Now I know you saw something, sir,” he said. “You were there.”

WELL, YES, said Death. I HAVE TO BE, YOU KNOW. BUT THIS IS VERY IRREGULAR.

“You see, sir,” said Corporal Carrot, “as I understand the law, you are an Accessory After The Fact. Or possibly Before The Fact.”

YOUNG MAN, I AM THE FACT.

“And I am an officer of the Law,” said Corporal Carrot. “There’s got to be a law, you know.”

YOU WANT ME TO… ER… GRASS SOMEONE UP? DROP A DIME ON SOMEONE? SING LIKE A PIGEON? NO. NO-ONE KILLED MR. SLUMBER. I CAN’T HELP YOU THERE.

“Oh, I don’t know, sir,” said Carrot, “I think you have.”

DAMN.

Death watched Carrot leave, ducking his head as he went down the narrow stairs of the hovel.

NOW THEN, WHERE WAS I…

“Excuse me,” said the wizened old man in the bed. “I happen to be 107, you know. I haven’t got all day.”

AH, YES, CORRECT.

Death sharpened his scythe. It was the first time he’d ever helped the police with their enquiries. Still, everyone had a job to do.

Corporal Carrot strolled easily around the town (капрал Моркоу прогуливался по городу). He had a Theory (у него была Теория). He’d read a book about Theories (он читал книгу о Теориях). You added up all the clues, and you got a Theory (вы складывали все улики и получали Теорию). Everything had to fit (все должно совпасть).

There were sausages (там были сосиски). Someone had to buy sausages (кто-то должен был купить сосиски). And then there were pennies (и были центовики). Normally only one subsection of the human race paid for things in pennies (обычно только одна категория человеческой расы платила за вещи центовиками).

He called in at a sausage maker (он зашел к сосисочнику; call in – зайти, заскочить). He found a group of children, and chatted to them for a while (он обнаружил группу детей и поболтал с ними немного).

Then he ambled back to the alley (затем легким шагом он вернулся в аллею), where Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (где копрал Шнобби нарисовал мелом контур трупа на земле) (colouring it in (разукрасив его), and adding a pipe and a walking stick (пририсовав трубку и трость) and some trees and bushes in the background (и несколько деревьев и кустарников на заднем плане)—people had already dropped 7p in his helmet (люди уже кинули 7 центов в его шлем)). He paid some attention to the heap of rubbish at the far end (он обратил внимание на кучу мусора в дальнем конце), and then sat down on a busted barrel (и затем сел на сломанную бочку).

“All right… you can come out now (хорошо, вы можете выходить),” he said, to the world at large (сказал он миру в целом = в пустоту). “I didn’t know there were any gnomes left in the world (не знал, что еще остались номы в мире).”

The rubbish rustled (мусор затрещал). They trooped out (они все вышли; troop – двигаться толпой)—the little man with the red hat (маленький мужчина в красной шляпе), the hunched back and the hooked nose (сгорбленной спиной и кривым носом), the little woman in the mob cap carrying the even smaller baby (маленькая женщина в домашнем чепце, несшая на руках еще более маленького ребенка), the little policeman (маленький полицейский), the dog with the ruff around its neck (собака с гривой вокруг шеи), and the very small alligator (и очень маленький аллигатор).

Corporal Carrot sat and listened.

“He made us do it (он вынудил нас сделать это),” said the little man. He had a surprisingly deep voice (у него был на удивление глубокий голос). “He used to beat us (он бил нас). Even the alligator (даже аллигатора). That was all he understood, hitting things with sticks (это все, что он понимал — бить все палкой). And he used to take all the money the dog Toby collected and get drunk (и он забирал все деньги, которые собирал пес Тоби, и напивался). And then we ran away and he caught us in the alley (а затем мы убежали, а он поймал нас в аллее) and started on Judy and the baby and he fell over and (и принялся за Джуди с малышом, и он споткнулся и упал и; fall over – споткнуться обо что-л. и упасть) —”

“Who hit him first (кто ударил его первым)?” said Carrot.

“All of us (все мы)!”

“But not very hard (но не очень сильно),” said Carrot. “You’re all too small (вы слишком маленькие). You didn’t kill him (вы не убивали его). I have a very convincing statement about that (у меня есть очень убедительные показания по этому поводу). So I went and had another look at him (поэтому я пошел и взглянул на него еще раз). He’d choked to death (он задохнулся). What’s this (что это)?”

He held up a little leather disc (он показал маленький кожаный диск; hold up – выставлять, показывать).

“It’s a swozzle (это пищалка),” said the little policeman. “He used it for the voices (он использовал ее, чтобы делать голоса). He said ours weren’t funny enough (говорил, наши недостаточно смешные).”

“That’s the way to do it (вот так это делается)!” said the one called Judy.

“It was stuck in his throat (она застряла у него в горле),” said Carrot. “I suggest you run away (я предлагаю вам убежать отсюда). Just as far as you can (так далеко, как только сможете).”

“We thought we could start a people’s co-operative (кооперативное общество народцев = балаган на паях),” said the leading gnome.

“You know… experimental drama, street theatre (экспериментальная драма, уличный театр), that sort of thing (и все такое). Not hitting each other with sticks (а не дубасить друг друга палками)…”

“You did that for children (вы делали это для детей)?” said Carrot.

“He said it was a new sort of entertainment (он сказал, что это новый вид развлечения). He said it’d catch on (он сказал, что это станет модным; catch on – становиться модным).”

Carrot stood up, and flicked the swozzle into the rubbish (щелчком запустил пищалку в мусор).

“People’ll never stand for it (люди никогда не потерпят этого),” he said. “That’s not the way to do it.”

Corporal Carrot strolled easily around the town. He had a Theory. He’d read a book about Theories. You added up all the clues, and you got a Theory. Everything had to fit.

There were sausages. Someone had to buy sausages. And then there were pennies. Normally only one subsection of the human race paid for things in pennies.

He called in at a sausage maker. He found a group of children, and chatted to them for a while.

Then he ambled back to the alley, where Corporal Nobbs had chalked the outline of the corpse on the ground (colouring it in, and adding a pipe and a walking stick and some trees and bushes in the background—people had already dropped 7p in his helmet). He paid some attention to the heap of rubbish at the far end, and then sat down on a busted barrel.

“All right… you can come out now,” he said, to the world at large. “I didn’t know there were any gnomes left in the world.”

The rubbish rustled. They trooped out—the little man with the red hat, the hunched back and the hooked nose, the little woman in the mob cap carrying the even smaller baby, the little policeman, the dog with the ruff around its neck, and the very small alligator.

Corporal Carrot sat and listened.

“He made us do it,” said the little man. He had a surprisingly deep voice. “He used to beat us. Even the alligator. That was all he understood, hitting things with sticks. And he used to take all the money the dog Toby collected and get drunk. And then we ran away and he caught us in the alley and started on Judy and the baby and he fell over and —”

“Who hit him first?” said Carrot.

“All of us!”

“But not very hard,” said Carrot. “You’re all too small. You didn’t kill him. I have a very convincing statement about that. So I went and had another look at him. He’d choked to death. What’s this?”

He held up a little leather disc.

“It’s a swozzle,” said the little policeman. “He used it for the voices. He said ours weren’t funny enough.”

“That’s the way to do it!” said the one called Judy.

It was stuck in his throat,” said Carrot. “I suggest you run away. Just as far as you can.”

“We thought we could start a people’s co-operative,” said the leading gnome.

“You know… experimental drama, street theatre, that sort of thing. Not hitting each other with sticks…”

“You did that for children?” said Carrot.

“He said it was a new sort of entertainment. He said it’d catch on.”

Carrot stood up, and flicked the swozzle into the rubbish.

“People’ll never stand for it,” he said. “That’s not the way to do it.”

[*] Which is flat and goes through space on the back of an enormous turtle (который плоский и плывет сквозь космос на спине огромной черепахи), and why not (а почему бы и нет)…

[*] Which is flat and goes through space on the back of an enormous turtle, and why not…